It’s been a while since my last blog. I was down in the dumps that I was not able to function well for the past weeks – actually up until now but I am trying my best despite the intrusive thoughts and anxiety attacks. *Inserts my cat’s photo to calm myself down*
An incident recently triggered my trauma. ICYMI, you may jump in this link for the story. Tried my best to keep everything to myself so I don’t add up to the drama and make sure not to hurt anyone’s feelings but I guess bottling up my emotions was not healthy for me after all. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and my anxiety strikes without any warning – while sleeping, taking a bath, eating, even while working. One time, we had to bill out quickly in a restaurant because I just broke into tears and gasped for air while eating. I tried to balance things around me and speak up but unfortunately, the cruel world is cruel and I have no power to change it.
I decided to stay away from that world. Begin a new life without toxic people. But it’s not easy to just forget everything. I get flashbacks. Whenever I hear an ambulance or a person with anger management problem, I get tensed. I can’t even finish a movie because of irrational fear. I consulted my psychologist about it and during one of our sessions she suggested something that made me feel worse. I tried to express myself in a social media platform without mentioning anyone and someone thought I was being unfair. You know what? Right now, I just don’t understand what is fair in the world anymore.
“You’re fine, okay?” No matter how many times I hear this, my inner self is still not at peace. I get headaches everyday and the only time I feel at peace is when I sleep. Because of meds, I get more than 8 hours of sleep but sometimes I try to fall back asleep just because I want to avoid the intrusive thoughts and headaches. To get through another day, I preoccupy myself with work, my pets and my hobbies. Sounds easy but it’s not. It’s easy to say “Get Help” or “Always Pray” but I realized that when you’re mentally challenged, all your thoughts would only translate to blank sentences. “Hear Me” becomes “Hi” and “Help Me” comes out as “I’m okay.”
All these became worse because of an attitude. An attitude that I cannot understand why it keeps on happening. An attitude that made me feel that I am in danger. An attitude that was not controlled when just a few days back, the person involved already expressed his/her pain. I became highly sensitive about it, feared for my own life and drowned from it. I think there is nothing wrong about expressing what we feel but it becomes a problem when we express it in a way that harms others – even if we think venting is healthy and justified. In reality, an attitude is much more likely to have a negative impact on people around us. And that negativity bounces back – which will hurt you or worse, more people around you.
And to leave a message for myself: Life is difficult for everyone. Be kind but cautious. If the world is becoming cruel once again, leave and begin anew.